Super Fly: The Chronicles of Audrey

So I think I miss my dad a lot. I mean I miss my mom too, but for some reason I really miss Dad. I keep finding myself doing things because that's how he did them, or thinking things because that's what Dad thought. It's not bad. Usually it's logical and down to earth. In other words, me. I guess I just didn't realize how much I respected him and would miss him. I miss Mom a lot too, but it just seems like when I see her she is half there, or doesn't really care that we are together. :( That really gets to me.

Coffee=GOOD. :)

Also gotta do laundry. Time to work!!

Love, Audrey

Not a good night to mess with me. However, four of my best friends are. :( Ahh.

And I hate being in my room. :( With Mac that is.

Sometimes the past just feels like the heaviest weight in the world. I feel like the whore of my group of friends sometimes, and then we talk about how we are waiting for that special person and it just hurts worse. I don't know if I can ever escape my past. I wonder how older people in my position deal with this.

I'm writing again. Working on a story, unsure of how long it will end up. It sounds solid to me at the moment, but that could change quickly. I want to write poetry about ABQ, but I'm afraid of loosing my memories of smell and touch and the air and the sounds. Sometimes I'll smell the earthy scent of clay and it will take me back to the open, airy kitchen and a morning with Levi. Or I'll remember the touch of cold bricks and smooth stones under my feet, the hot, dry dessert breezes of the day and the chilly nights. Sometimes it makes me just want to sleep and sleep until I dream of it for a long time so I can go back. It just breaks my heart over and over..

Vanessa Carlton was a good choice today.

Love, Audrey

So God is still working with me on forgiveness and letting go, but it's hard. Could anybody pray for me that God would open up my heart and remove my calluses? Thanks. He is showing His word to me everyday, and it's amazing. I guess when your heart is broken open it is easier for Him to rebuild it with Him in the middle. Maybe that's why he keeps breaking me down..

Working on my next schedule for Coe. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully, it will end up with Elem. French II, Mid. East Lit, Philosophy, and Sociology all on Monday. I keep praying. I could handle next semester with that I think.

I am also asking God to help me love people exactly as He loves them. It is hard.

Love, Audrey

Different things are beginning to sink in.

First of all, I was thinking about Levi today and a memory of ABQ popped up in my head. We were eating at a restaurant after church and I remember the awkward feeling of sitting there with nothing really to say to him and the feeling it gave me. Like it was becoming forced. Like he didn't really care. And as much as his betrayal hurt me, it would hurt more if somehow it had continued and really been substantial. And then I realize that God will bring me together with some amazing man in the future if am really meant to be with anyone and it will be totally destined. And that is comforting.

Secondly, I realize I need to chill out. Things usually aren't that big of a deal as we always seem to make them. And they work themselves out. Plus, I remembered how "Uncle" Kurt didn't really worry, just kind of enjoyed himself. I figure if he can do that while co-owning a company, I can do that right now. Everything can be fixed, just not as great as you want it sometimes.

Thirdly, I really need to be centered in God. That's what I am praying for right now. If you wanted to pray about that for me that would be great too.

Love, Audrey

THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

1. To Levi - "Mm whatcha say? Mm that you only meant well? Well of course you did. Mm whatcha say? Mm that it's all for the best? Of course it is." How can you hurt people so so much? What is wrong with you?? You call yourself a Christian but Jesus would never hurt me like this.
2. THINK BEFORE YOU ACT!! Stop just doing what you want and leaving your trail of collateral damage. How is the pain of others ever worth your own gain and selfish desires?
3. DON"T TOUCH ME. Seriously. I hate it.
4. If you plan on entering college, bring your thickest skin along. Your heart will probably be ripped to pieces eventually here. Especially if you have feelings.

I am shaking with anger. I don't understand people. I will never ever ever trust a guy like I did Levi. Never.

Dear Levi,

Once upon a time, you were a role model to me. You and Brad were my idols; I wanted to be amazing and caring and sweet and fun like you two. I was convinced I knew you. You made me smile and laugh and feel good and content in a town I thought I would never feel that in. I loved you like a brother.

Then we got close when you left, and I was so thankful for that. You were someone I could turn to and confide in and joke with. When I had lost all hope in any guys, I still believed in you and trusted you. You came back and we got so close. I couldn't believe something awesome was finally happening to me! You made me so happy, so thankful. I thought I had finally found that wonderful person who loved God and maybe could love me, despite my mistakes and shortcomings. Everything changed with you. I could be someone I admired. You changed me a lot for the good, and that probably didn't help anything.

I believed everything you ever told me: you would never do what the others have done, you wouldn't lie to me like that, I was the biggest thing in your life. All lies. I saved your texts until it broke my heart completely, hard proof of your ridiculous lies.

I flew out to Albuquerque to see you and see UNM. I will never forget that first night, watching the stars, kissing you, being with you, living with you for two weeks, the desert and mountains.

Now I can only see your empty promises, fake and ugly. I feel so broken and hurt when I see her in love with you. I just want you to know how hard you've made things for me now, the things you've ruined and shattered. I hope at night you can't sleep because you are thinking about everything you've done to hurt people and stop brushing off everything and living in your own world.

Love,
Audrey

So, browsing on the Internet for a background, I found this. Good stuff.

http://www.annointed.net/Community/blogs/jerirose12/51-desperate-hungry-thirsty.html

Okay, it's only an animal license, but still - I can legally kill things.

Meaning, I passed Hunters' Safety and now I get my hunter's license asap. :) Ya, I'm stoked. And I get to go hunting with this boy.

Joey

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

I was on Facebook about 2 seconds ago, just looking through picture of things, thinking about how I just want to leave and be a different person. And I was snooping, looking through pictures, reading statuses, and lo and behold I came across picture of my pentecostal friends. I can always tell when it's a church thing - the guys are wearing casual dress clothes and the women all have long hair and skirts. The young girls are the same, except they fix their hair nicer usually. And of course no makeup.

It always makes me think, are they better than me? Even though I know the answer is no, it still pokes at my mind. I start to remember all the verses about skirts and long hair and modesty, and then it hit me. They put the results of their life all on themselves. I thought about it more - if I need to wear skirts and long hair (but still fix it and wear pretty stuff - but it counts! I'm following RULES) then it's all on me. Sure Jesus saved me, but now it's up to me. It's like saying He's not enough. Jesus freed us from the rules of the Law. I think the best "rule" to follow is this - live as if your goal is to be exactly like Jesus. Live like the purpose of your life is to give Him glory. And it is. I think that's exactly what the Bible is trying to tell us. If you want to give glory to God are you going to dress inappropriately? No, that would give glory to the temple, not the God who it is for.

Just some thoughts.

It's late and Hunters' Safety Part II is tomorrow. :) Hopefully I pass!! lol.

Love, Audrey

PS If you think I'm wrong, let me know. I get confused sometimes.